Leave it to Deidara
by tidAL rabbiT
Summary: Uchiha Itachi, an aspiring novelist under the pseudonym Kumori Arashi, as there's no money to be made in Akatsuki, writes the story that's on everybody's mind. Who could ever have figured the organization would be so helpful? [UCHIHACEST, ItaSasu]
1. Story! Un!

Title: Leave it to Deidara

Pairing: ...come on, what do you think?

Genres: Humor

Rating: PG-13, just to be safe. ;

Summary: Akatsuki centric Uchiha Itachi, an aspiring novelist under the pseudonym Kumori Arashi (there's no money to be made in Akatsuki), writes the story that's on everybody's mind. Who could ever have figured the organization would be so helpful?

Warnings: OOC, maybe... _Way_ too much Deidara, for sure! ;

Disclaimer: **I DO NOT OWN NARUTO**

Itachi put down the pen and reread the last two lines. Dissatisfied, he crossed them out. The words wouldn't come out, and he had a deadline to make! How could he not have ideas? He was in his thinking pose, laid flat on his bed with one leg bent, calf resting on thigh.

Frustrated, he thought of all the feelings that had compelled him to kill the Uchiha clan.

_Hatred,_ he wrote. _Anger, superiority, alienation. Every Uchiha is born harboring these feelings, even if they have yet to surface. Every dream that you have and everything that you ever hope to achieve is all thrown away for the desires of the clan._

Itachi hid the notepad under his pillow as his senses registered another presence. Kisame, followed by Deidara, stopped inside the door frame; a common courtesy in the cramped Akatsuki headquarters. As there was no money in being a member of Akatsuki--although there were great health benefits--they had to share rooms. The room Itachi was currently in was one he shared with the shark-like Kisame.

"Itachi-san," said Kisame. "Deidara-san and Sasori-san are going to look for their Jinchuuriki. Say goodbye..."

"Sayonara... un," Deidara added, blond as ever.

Itachi blinked; they'd stopped one of his rare creative flows for _that_?

"Sayonara..." His fingers itched for the pen and the hidden notepad. Would they just leave already? They were cramping his creative spirit! Deidara, of all people, should have understood; literature was _"art. Un."_

Said _artist_ promptly took his leave; his partner Sasori was impatient, and would probably kill Deidara if he took any longer. Kisame stayed in the door way.

"Are you okay, Itachi-san?"

Itachi's thumb, touching the pen underneath the pillow, twitched in agitation. "I am fine." Kisame was not sure if he believed him, but he never could tell with Itachi.

"I see. Well... I'll be back later to sleep."

As soon as Kisame was completely gone from view, Itachi once again pulled out the pen and the notebook. Kisame usually went to sleep around eleven, and it was currently four. Could he write as he wished for seven hours straight? If nothing exciting happened... he could.

But Itachi could not keep track of the days (of all the things Akatsuki lacked, it was a calendar), and he was oblivious as to whose birthday it was...

"He's not going to come," Kisame said, arms crossed.

"He'll come," Deidara insisted, equally stubborn.

"What makes you think that?" Kisame asked, annoyed.

"He has to eat _sometime_. Un," he replied wickedly.

"You're an idiot," Sasori said, sounding bored. It was hard to tell (his puppet's face pretty much always had the same expression), but Deidara could swear Sasori was glaring.

"Are you saying Itachi-san doesn't eat?"

Kisame slammed his forehead with the butt of his palm. Why was planning for Itachi's birthday left to _Deidara_?

_But the truth is, I did it for your sake, little brother._ Itachi chewed on the tip of the pen as he thought of his next sentence. _Not one of us save for me understood the brilliance of what I have done, least of all you._

_And as the person closest to my heart, I'd hoped it would be so. If you are ever to become any stronger and reach your full potential, you will only be able to do so out of hatred of me, the one who destroyed you._

_Because without me, you are simply too weak._

Two and a half hours later, Itachi still had not emerged from the room he shared with Kisame.

"He _must_ be getting hungry...!"

"I'm going to bed," Sasori said irritably. "If you disturb, me, I will kill---"

"No! Danna has to stay! Un!"

"Okay, break it up, ladies..."

_There's no way around it; I am the reason you get up every morning. I am the reason you continue to live, even when you feel like giving up. Please just try and tell me that without me, you would be as strong as you are._

_Then why you are still so weak?_

_The answer is obvious: I told you to hate me, and, no matter what you tell yourself, you do not._

Itachi almost felt bad writing this. But Sasuke would never learn unless Itachi continued to hurt him.

_You will never reach your potential unless I intervene and push you along. You are far too comfortable with being mediocre, so long as there are other people to dwell with you in your pathetic mediocrity._

Itachi cringed as his stomach began to growl; apparently, other forces besides Deidara could disturb his literary achievements. He tucked the notebook and pen under his blankets securely, making sure they couldn't be seen through the sheets. He casually left the room, careful not to raise any suspicions that he was up to something.

He stalked into the kitchens, stomach screaming for nutrition. He pushed the door open gently, completely unprepared for what he was about to see. Two dark eyes met his as the door moved.

"Sasuke..!" What was his little brother doing in Akatsuki headquarters!

And then Sasuke exploded.

"Happy Birthday, Itachi-san!"

Itachi was bursting with anger. At that particular moment, he despised humankind, especially those of Akatsuki. Not only had they remembered his eighteenth birthday when Itachi himself had not, but one of them (Deidara, he suspected) had constructed an life-size, exploding Sasuke doll.

"Who is responsible for this," he said evenly, eyes betraying his true feelings.

"It was Deidara!" Kisame and Sasori answered in unison.

"He made the---where'd he go?"

"What."

"That little shit," cursed Sasori, sounding bored. "He left us to face the wrath of Itachi-san."

"Where is he!" Itachi hissed.

"He said he was going to get you," Kisame offered.

Itachi's eyes widened. Deidara was going to get him... Going to _his_ room to get _him_...

To his _room_ where his _notebook_ containing his _story_ was hidden...

Itachi swore loudly as he gathered up his robes and sprinted back to his room, Kisame and Sasori in tow.

Deidara eagerly scanned the pages, taking the occasional picture with his left eye's camera. "This is spectacular! Un!" he exclaimed before he could stop himself. "I never imagined that Itachi no danna was so brilliant!"

The thumps of several running feet sounded in the halls, and Deidara knew that he shouldn't have said that quite so loudly. Several seconds later, an enraged Itachi kicked down the door.

"D-danna!"

Itachi said nothing, deciding that he created a much more ominous effect by remaining silent.

"This is terrific!" Deidara exclaimed, proudly showing the notebook he'd filched from the sheets. "You're an incredibly talented writer! Un!"

"What...?"

"This story! I love it! Un! It's so romantic!"

Kisame and Sasori had plenty of weird looks to give, and Itachi was getting them.

"'Story'?"

"'Romantic'?"

Deidara blinked. Somehow, the implication that Itachi was a talented writer didn't surprise him. Deidara had been a bit surprised at the open confessions inside the story, but his enthusiasm had overwhelmed him.

"You love him, don't you?" Deidara asked boldly, ignoring the obviously shocked Kisame and Sasori. He held up the notebook. "Why you wrote this, and why you did all of this in the first place... All of out of love for your brother! Un!"

Kisame stared dumbly at the notebook.

"Gimme that thing!" he exclaimed after a moment, grabbing at the writings in Deidara's hands.

"No! It's Itachi no danna's! Un!"

Sasori watched the ensuing cat-fight with moderate disinterest.

"Itachi-san... What is that thing?" he asked in a bored monotone.

"It's both a history," replied Itachi, shamed almost to tears, "and a story of my current life. Little more than an autobiography."

"And so you're in love with your brother," Sasori reiterated, blinking slowly. He patted Itachi's shoulder with mock sympathy. "Good luck with that."

Having given up keeping the notebook from Kisame, Deidara gave a devious smile. "Don't worry, danna! I have a plan! Un!"

Itachi suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of impending doom.

Deidara uses "danna," as I'm sure we're all aware. This can be translated as what a woman calls her husband (similar to "anata"), or "master." My _valuable source_ says that the way Deidara uses it is something of a "boss" term.

Eh, there was no Sasuke in this chapter, but I did say that it was Akatsuki-centric. He'll be showing up, don't you worry...

R&R!


	2. Sasori no Danna's Plan! Un!

Some of this was written while I was on vacation in Hawaii. The rest is complete and utter crack.

**YoungSasuke** - Thanks! Well, you got it!

**Fuyumiko-sama** - It is, or at least, it should be. I'm pretty sure it counts; I don't even bother getting up until the day's half-over, anyway. -.-;;; Thanks.

**NanamiYatsumaki **- Heh, thanks. I just hope they're not too OOC, but they probably are. -u-

**just a boy** - Yeah, neither can I. ; ;

**sasuke's cherryblossom** - Thanks!

**Brown Shoe Laces** - Eh, that's what they said in episode 82, I think! But if not, then it's my bullshit and you should get used to it. ; (That's where the doom comes from).

**minase-chan** - Kisame and Sasori have their own parts to play, but they'll need a little more convincing.

**blisblop** - Well, it's not as though I could stop... -u- I think I agree with you; it's i rather /i odd. ;

**dark.angels.sacerfice** - Thanks, I will!

I usually don't respond to reviews unless something spectacular is said, but I'm just glad I'm getting reads _and_ reviews! This is a big problem on other fanfiction sites, let me tell you!

On a side note, this is story occurs before Sasuke goes to Orochimaru.

**START**

"Before I make my top-secret plan public, does Itachi no danna's brother have any other romantic interest? Un?" Deidara asked eagerly.

"I don't know," Itachi answered mutely. He wasn't entirely sure whether Deidara was acting in earnest or if it was simply one of the Iwanin's elaborate jokes. If it was, Itachi knew more than a few ways to kill someone..._painfully_. That being the case, Sasori and Kisame would also have to die, and Itachi was certain that Akatsuki couldn't afford to lose any more of its members.

"He doesn't know," Deidara repeated, shaking his head in dissatisfaction. "You have to make sure the object of your affections is available first, danna! If they're not, then you know you have to kill the love interest! Un!"

"You're really into this," remarked Kisame. "This kid is twelve or so, right, Itachi-san? How can he possibly have a love interest?" Itachi was silent.

"Kisame no danna obviously doesn't know much about the kids today!" Deidara sniffed the air, his younger age making him (for the first time) superior. "They're little whores! Un!"

"Of course, Kisame," Sasori commented, pointing a slender puppet finger at Deidara. "Look in front of you. Whore."

"Quiet, you!" Deidara snapped, flushed like a child in a tantrum. "How is this helping Itachi no danna? Un?"

"You idiot," Sasori argued. "You don't believe that you're actually helping him, do you? As of now, you are only a nuisance. So young, so naïve."

"Excuse me," Itachi said demurely. "Before a fight breaks out and we lose limbs and lives, I would like to say that I never asked for anyone's _help_. In fact, no one was even supposed to know about this." Least of all the people he worked and lived with. This was a little heavier than coming out of the closet.

"But that proves that Itachi no danna has pent-up sexual frustrations! Un!"

"And that's not good," Kisame finished. "So admit it; you need help."

"That's not the kind of help I mean!" insisted Deidara. "I meant that they should hook up, not that Itachi no danna should see a shrink! Un!"

If Itachi had been a little less stoic, he might have cried. Instead, he thanked whatever deity chose to be listening that he was so stolid.

"Therapy wouldn't be a good option, and it's not the only one," Sasori volunteered. "The brat could be right for once."

Deidara flashed his partner a smile. "So, danna," he continued, as though he'd never been interrupted. "When was the last time you saw Sasuke-kun? Un?"

"He showed up unexpectedly when Kisame and I went to retrieve the Kyuubi," Itachi murmured. "I was not prepared."

Kisame and Sasori had not read Itachi's masterpiece, so they didn't understand. Itachi hadn't expected his beloved little brother to be quite so weak, so he'd been forced to be rough. Although Kisame had seen it with his own two eyes, he hadn't perceived it as an act of love. Sasuke's attitude had seemed rather negative, and his older brother had shown him no mercy.

"And you told him to _hate_ you," Deidara concluded with a few slow blinks. "Doesn't sound like a very good basis for a relationship. Un."

"He has to," Itachi insisted, shaking his head. His stomach was growling and he was not in the best of moods; he needed to end this quickly. "You read the notebook."

"I did," he agreed happily. "But I disagree with you on that point. He doesn't have to hate you to become stronger than you. Un. And he obviously doesn't hate you."

"Wait, so you think that getting them together will help Sasuke get stronger, just like Itachi wants?" Sasori asked skeptically. "Never mind, you _are_ just stupid."

"Haven't you ever heard of the power of love? Un!" cried the Iwanin. "Argh! Danna frustrates me so much! Un!"

Itachi didn't feel at all well; Sasori and Deidara were having a lovers' tiff, he hadn't eaten in at least eighteen hours, and he had a splitting headache from the combination. What was worse, he was embarrassed by all the attention his feelings were getting. Itachi had always imagined that his "odd obsession" (his favorite alliterative title for his love of Sasuke) would attract attention, and none of it positive.

"Stupid brat."

"I hate you!"

"Do you think I care...?"

Deidara, unable to think of any witty comebacks and emotionally stressed, made some pathetic half whimper, half angry yelp before storming off to his room. Itachi wished that he would realize there was no escape from Sasori there; as partners, they shared the room. Sooner or later, another fight would erupt. Just the thought that it might occur made Itachi's headache worse.

And just like that, Itachi fainted. The remaining Akatsuki's eyes watched his descent to the ground.

"I-itcahi-san!" Kisame cried in surprise.

Sasori looked sullenly at his fallen form for a moment before calling to Deidara, "Look what you did, brat!" Another anguished, enraged cry sounded in the halls. Kisame questioned the importance of this outburst in Itachi's predicament.

"Ano, Sasori-san," Kisame began. "What just happened...?"

Using his acute knowledge of the human body, concluded that Itachi had fainted from hunger. He, of course, was right about that, as Deidara would be happy to hear.

"As soon as he regains consciousness, we should get some food in him," Sasori said. "Either that, or you could let me make a puppet out of him. That would be fun... A puppet capable of Mangekyou Sharingan? Amazing... I would drain him of bodily fluids---"

"Sasori-san!" Kisame interrupted, shocked. "Are you serious!"

"If the leader agrees," he answered after a moment.

"Sasori-san!"

"You're a lunatic, Sasori," Itachi murmured, barely conscious. "I'm never turning my back to you..."

"Itachi-san!" Kisame helped him sit up.

"I guess we're feeding him. I so wanted a new puppet," Sasori said, clearly disappointed. He suddenly perked up, struck by an idea. "Can I make Sasuke-kun into a puppet?"

"You are _not_---"

Suddenly, there was a feral shriek in the halls. "DANNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Deidara, his Akatsuki robes gathered up in his hands, was running as fast as he possibly could down the long hall towards the group once again. He was panting and excited; Itachi's feeling of doom returned.

"I had a brilliant idea! Un!" he exclaimed between gasps for breath. His one visible eye narrowed. "I got an idea from this talk about _puppets_."

"_You are not_," Itachi repeated.

"Just let me explain, danna!" Deidara pleaded. "A puppeteer can attach chakra strings to a living thing without making them into a puppet!"

"Be quiet, brat!" Sasori snapped. "Give away my secrets and I'll make _you_ into a puppet!"

"I'm _talking_ to _Itachi_ no danna. Un," the Iwanin said icily. "So Itachi no danna can copy all of Sasori no danna's kugutsu tricks with his Sharingan and---"

"_No_," Itachi repeated firmly, fingers massaging his temples. "That would be immoral."

"It would be rape, you stupid brat!" Sasori hissed.

"It was just a theory," Deidara said with a defensive shrug. "Besides, you're the one who--!" He pursed his lips, coming to the realization that Sasori wouldn't listen to him.

"Can we please concentrate on the most important thing right now?" Kisame pleaded. "Itachi-sa----"

"I know!" Deidara exclaimed. "Let's consult the book!"

"NO," Itachi insisted weakly. "Give it back."

_When I look back at everything that I just wrote,_ Itachi penned, munching happily on a cute koala snack, _I realize that I've just made a huge ass out of myself. But I digress,_ He took a slow, deliberate bite from the koala's half-eaten body. _If you read this, my dear brother, **stay away from Akatsuki**._

Itachi couldn't let this part of his infant novel be read by Deidara or any other Akatsuki member; he might be thrown out.

_I know that you are not a homicidal maniac,_ he continued. _And every member of this organization (myself included) suffers from some kind of mental derision. We have Zetsu, who has a two people in one body and eats human flesh. There's Kisame, the shark-man. He enjoys shaving off peoples' skin. It's ironic that, as I recall all the times he has done so, I'm eating. I should feel sick, and that's how I know there's something wrong in my brain._

_Akasuna no Sasori is one of the particularly insane ones,_ he wrote, shoving a whole handful of koala snacks in his mouth. _He makes puppets out of people... who still happen to be alive. Just today he professed how wonderful it would be to have a puppet capable of using jutsu like the Sharingan. Stay away from him; he's crazy._

_There's Deidara the artist, the annoying, the juvenile. He's crazy, too. He makes interesting sculptures, mostly of birds, and then blows them up in people's faces. There are four more of us, but I'll leave it up to your imagination._

_Being especially crazy, they might try to come see you. Shut the door and **hide**, should that happen._

_Remember, I'm trying to protect you. A typical brother's love._

"Or perhaps not so typical," he mused. He wouldn't write that down in his book so bluntly; he doubted that his editor would buy it, or that, once published, his precious little brother would read the book and think, 'Oh, Nii-san! Come and take me away!'

"Will my dream of a happy ending remain unfulfilled?" he asked the last koala snack in the box. As the snack had no answer (for koala snacks do not talk), Itachi ate it.

**END**

**Kugutsu** means "puppet."

**Akasuna no Sasori** literally means "Sasori of the Red Sand."

...does this imply SasoDei? oO Let me know if that's okay with you. (Wouldn't want to chase off my audience...) I should probably add it to the summary if it gets any further...

R&R, because I know you love it!


	3. Kumorisensei's Mail! Un!

Well, it seems as though most of you are okay with a little SasoDei! I don't think I'll linger on them so much, though, because this _is_ a story about Itachi and Sasuke. Although Sasuke has yet to appear. ;;

I'm fairly sure I butchered Kisame's character last chapter... I'm not sure about Sasori, but definitely Kisame. I'm not entirely sure Deidara would throw a hissy fit, but he just seems like that kind of guy to me. O;; Perhaps my entire perception of Deidara is OOC. ;;

I do not own National Geographic. And I'm going to call Leader-sama... _Leader-sama_.

**Smallpox Plum** - I understand what you're saying completely. I'm even confusing myself with my overuse of "danna." ; I was going by what my Rika hypothesized, but recent reading of chapter 276 proves that Itachi is just Itachi. Not a danna. But I'm not changing it... I think it sounds cute. . ;

**silvernekokitsune** - I'm not a traitor. TT It just never got approved. Maybe it was deleted, but if that's so, they never told me as much. It's up on too...

**Red Stitches** - You totally can! XD It would be nice if I got credit, but you don't have to. (But if you decide to, you can always put a Japanese katakana _ru_ in a circle on there.

**START**

Deidara walked slowly and purposefully; this particular walk had a purpose. He was dressed in full Akatsuki regalia (complete with hat) for his walk down to the mailbox. As he walked, he murmured an indistinct song from his childhood home of Iwagakure to the soft jingling charms on his hat. He was glad he was alone; Sasori would have told him to be quiet.

There was a single mailbox that served as an all-purpose postal box for the entire organization. Most days, there was little mail. There were a few magazine subscriptions (Kisame's subscription to National Geographic, etc.) and various newspapers from every country and village imaginable. But today, there was something in an envelope. It smelled an awful lot like money to Deidara.

"Kumori Arashi," he read off the address. There was no Kumori Arashi in Akatsuki. Several members used aliases to receive mail and the like, but there were only a few that Deidara could match to the person. No other mail came for anyone called Kumori Arashi, adding to his confusion. Perhaps it had been sent to the wrong address?

"If that's the case," he said out loud, far too pleased with himself to keep it in, "We'll keep his paycheck! Un!"

**0o0o0o0o0o**

"Danna?"

"What is it, brat?"

"Is any of this mail for you?" Deidara dropped the pile of Akatsuki mail on Sasori's bed. Sasori, outside of the sanctity of Hiruko, sorted through the mail disinterestedly. He grabbed a magazine and a Sunagakure newspaper, leaving the rest of the pile in a neat stack. Deidara frowned; Kumori Arashi's paycheck was still in the pile.

"Do you know who's bringing in the bacon, Danna?" he asked, gesturing to the bulging envelope.

"Should I? No." Sasori flopped over onto his back and flipped through his magazine; _Marionette Monthly_.

Deidara was a ninja; a ninja famed for his genius and skill. Could he open the envelope and close it again without 'Kumori Arashi' noticing? After a moment of thought, he carefully opened the flap of the envelope with his index finger. Eagerly, he searched its contents for some clue as to who this mysterious person could be.

There was a thick bundle of paper currency inside, accompanied by an official-looking note. _Tsuki Publishing,_ read the logo in the corner.

_To: Kumori-sensei_

_Thank you for choosin_g Tsuki Publishing. _Your payment for book sales of_ _your most recent title is enclosed with this document._

_Sincerely,_

_Pinku Ruki, president of_ Tsuki Publishing.

Deidara searched for some kind of aqueous adhesive with which to close the envelope once again, a mischievous grin on his face.

"Oh dear, what have you done now?" Sasori asked from the comfort of his bed.

"To be truthful, I'm not entirely sure. Un," Deidara replied, still smiling.

**0o0o0o0o0o**

_Never think that you are merely a tool,_ Itachi wrote. _I am the one that hurt you, and you will be the one to take revenge upon me. You must be the one to atone for my indelible sin, because I have walked too far down the path of madness to repent._

_So, in a sense, you will be a tool, wielding divine judgement upon the sinner. You have been given a hard task, and that is why you must hate me. Cast away the memories of the time before---they are meaningless._

But they were not meaningless. Not to Itachi, and probably not to Sasuke, either. Bittersweet memories of times that could never be, that never really were in the first place. Even when Itachi was young, before the massacre of his clan, he had been planning.

_Always remember me as the betrayer and the murderer. The time that you perceive as happy and peaceful does not exist, did not exist. I am, and have always been a monster._

_There is no redemption for me. No salvation. I can do nothing for myself._

Itachi chuckled as he penned the next bit: _We have switched roles. Now, I am the helpless one who can do nothing for himself. Help me, foolish little brother..._

Deidara _definitely_ could not read this...

**0o0o0o0o0o**

"Itachi no danna!"

Itachi hid the notebook, tucking it securely beneath his robes. Deidara would have to strip search him if he wanted to read about his deepest, darkest secrets!

Suddenly, Itachi felt that _that_ idea was even worse. But he kept the notebook where it was as Deidara barged into the room is his rambunctious fashion.

"Do you know who this is for, Itachi no danna?" asked Deidara, offering a pawed and mangled envelope to the Sharingan-user.

"No," he replied immediately after reading the name to whom it was addressed. "Have you asked Leader-sama?"

"Not yet," the Iwanin replied, shaking his head.

"It could be that it belongs to someone you've already asked, but they don't want to claim it."

Deidara blinked, as though what Itachi had said was completely ambiguous. "Why would they do that? Un?"

"Some people are afraid of being discovered."

Deidara's thin mouth curved into a sly smile, the angular eyes narrowing. "People like danna."

Itachi wasn't sure whether the other man was referring to him or to Sasori, but he nodded, nonetheless. "They're afraid that they might be something, or become something, that they never knew they were or wanted to be."

"That's what I'm here for," Deidara said with a satisfied smirk. "Un."

"Yes, thank you for your services," Itachi murmured.

Deidara watched him from the doorway. "And you're _sure_ it's not yours? Un?"

"Positive."

"Okay..."

**0o0o0o0o0o**

_Itachi no danna is lying to me_, Deidara thought. This time, when he went to retrieve the mail, he would take a detour. _To the bookstore I go... Un!_

Deidara wondered how famous this _Kumori Arashi_ penname was; would he be able to find his works in a small, used bookstore? Or would he have to venture into one of the bigger villages in order to find it? What if the books were..._pornographic_? Like _Icha Icha Paradise_? He wasn't sure how he felt about that.

He entered a used bookstore, delighting in the jingling the bell made as he opened the door. The elderly man behind the counter spared him a glance and a welcome, then went back to doing whatever it is clerks do; Deidara never quite understood their function.

Deidara wandered down a couple of aisles, looking for the surname _Kumori_. He didn't find any, and wondered if maybe he was in the wrong section, or if his books were sold there at all.

"Un," he said uncertainly, trying to get the clerk's attention.

"How may I help you...?" The clerk wasn't sure how to end his sentence, credited to Deidara's androgynous features.

"Do you know where I can find books by Kumori-sensei? Un?"

"Who?"

"Kumori Arashi-sensei," Deidara repeated hopefully. The clerk squinted at him, as though it wasn't the type of book he expected young people to read. "Danna asked me to pick it up." Deidara was a fluent liar, and the term _danna_ was vague enough.

"Yes, I have a few of his books in the store, but they've been reserved."

Deidara's visible eye narrowed. Whoever had reserved those books would have to die. Deidara would personally see to it that their ashes were scattered on the four winds!

'That's stupid,' Sasori would say. 'You're stupid, brat. It's just a book. Go to a different store.'

"Ano... Thank you, any way!" Deidara said cheerfully; he would have to thank Sasori later for... Deidara couldn't think what for. For being his partner? For always giving him a second opinion? _For being Danna_, he decided.

**0o0o0o0o0o**

After another such encounter, Deidara finally found a bookstore with the complete works of Akatsuki's mystery author! He purchased every one of them with the organization's hard-earned money (never mind that they were in a foreign language); in order to make up for the monetary loss, they would have to hold another bake sale.

The title was in a language that Deidara couldn't read well, let alone understand. He could barely figure out the title: "Za... Ro.. su.. to... a--to o... bu..? Kippi... n... gu... Ahh, this is too hard! Un! Danna will be mad at me if I ask him to read it to me and I can't even say the title!

"Aa..." He was stumbling across more characters that had always been difficult for him to figure out, characters with sounds that didn't exist in his language. He did not remember learning much about them in Iwagakure's ninja academy, although he _did_ remember blowing it up for that very reason.

He removed the fancy slipcover and studied the hardcover. To his chagrin, the title was clearly printed in _katakana_, followed by a loose translation of what it meant.

"_The Lost Art of Keeping a Secret_," Deidara read. "By Kumori Arashi." The rest of the text was in that indecipherable language, but he had nothing to fear; Sasori was a genius.

Deidara had wandered far into the city, and he was already very deep into the Fire Country. Since he was already there, why not ditch the Akatsuki robes and try to find Itachi's brother?

**0o0o0o0o0o**

It was shamefully easy to find the last Uchiha; Deidara made a mental note to tell Itachi to secure better protection for that boy he was obsessed with.

The young Sasuke was dragged along by two other Konohanin, both incredibly easy targets; hot pink and screaming orange in the heart of a forest region? How were these kids even _alive_? All three adolescents had clear targets on their backs, bright red markers of an easy place for death to come to them. Deidara realized that all Konohanin dressed this way, with some red mark on their clothes that might act as an ideal place to be stabbed. The shoulder, the back, the stomach...

Sasuke did not look to be irrevocably in love with either of the young shinobi, but one could never be too sure. Deidara would stalk them, consult Itachi, and then end their lives.

It would be art in the most beautiful form.

**END**

**Pinku Ruki** - It's me! Kinda. Luki Ruki

**katakana** - a Japanese system of characters used mostly for foreign words, considered a secondary system. But all of the given names in Naruto are spelled with katakana, unless they're in kanji.

"The Lost Art Of Keeping A Secret" is a Queens Of The Stone Age song.

R&R!


End file.
